I had a dream I killed a stripper with a spiked lasso.

My relationship is great for now. There was a blizzard and we were snowed in long enough to work out our problems.

As far as myself, still tired and confused. Some things never chamge. I find myself missing people. Does gain equal loss? I sometimes feel incomplete. I miss my best friend.

I don't know what to do with myself. My days are occupied with talking to one persian cat. Aren't I too old to be a spinster? I explained that I don't need any help giving birth to myself and my love got angry. My ex's are probably right. I'm impossible even when off the sauce.

I missed my bunny the other day when it snowed. Last year I took her out in it and she was so displeased that she refused to talk with me for the rest of the day. Her vet made me even more cynical toward others.

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I realized the other night that I don't enjoy having sex with my boyfriend again.

I was looking at a book in a sex shop the other day about people who can't be in relationships. It was a fleeting glance at the back cover. I don't want to be the person who can't. I love my boyfriend, but I wonder if I am ready. I have many fears. I feel as though I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. That hurts to say. I know he tries to push me to better myself, but I live my days alone until work. I am stuck working in a club that doesn't have as much money flowing through as I would ideally like to make and have to deal with the stupidity of everyone and their junk lives. If I'm going to be a stripper, I want to do it right. I've kicked my problems, I've mastered my demons, I'm ready to be a grownup. I don't want to be dependant and I certainly don't want to be in any more strippery abusive relationships, be they emotional or physical.

He has never lain his hands on me inaproppriately, but he keeps me on... Not a short leash, but say, a chokechain. He doesn't trust me and he doesn't like sharing me with others - not even my friends. And he doesn't want me pursuing anything besides work. I just started voice lessons again and that was an ordeal. He said we would find a voice teacher together for weeks and when I finally get upset with him about it he finds one and tells me he's such a great boyfriend because he does everything for me. I know that if I had tried to find her myself I would have been accused of making plans to meet a man or not doing things according to plan and being selfish.

I feel like he plays mindgames with me like that. I had a lot of demons built up, and he's helped me a lot definitely, but I wish he would've let me know him better before he sliced me open and saw all the ugly. That's a very naked feeling. I feel like he did this and is so short with me because he wants me to be afraid to leave.

I am. I'm very confused about the whole matter. Here I am, practically engaged, wanting and despising the life I'm building with this man. We are so close and worlds apart. There are things about me that I think he just doesn't... or won't... or doesn't want to understand. Maybe he can't. He thinks alone time means I want to cheat on him. Maybe I just need to grow up some more. I wish I could talk to him about these feelings, but he talks about everything he's done for me and how selfish I am for feeling this way. And last time I talked to him about sex he just got very upset and almost left me. That was because I mentioned it at a bad time. I don't understand what a good time would be for someone who sleeps four hours every night, runs three businesses and has two children two and under. It's impossible.

I just worry about the whole forever part. I really love this man and having him in my life has changed it for the better. I worry about being unhappy with my marriage. I worry about having my heart broken again. It's worrisome that the person who knows me better than anyone in the world doesn't really know me at all.

And I don't hate myself, that was just a frustration. My personal relationship with myself is very good, I'm just bored. I never wanted my life to be drudgery, somehow or another every path leads me to it.

I hate myself.

My dear friend Margot is dying. I'm only going to have a cat. The nest feels empty. More than ever I want a friend. Not even that, I just want to be normal. I'd like to have some lady friends and learn how to play bridge. Or something. The only people I have contact with are my employees, business partners and customers. I live in a stripclub. I miss Joey. I hate him in Florida. I get so lonely, even though we constantly talk on the phone. It's not the same.

I feel like I can't tell him that because he'll take it too personally.

Another minor annoyance: mom has become an idiot with her social views. But maybe she always was and I was as stupid.

It's strange not taking the easy way out. The thing that made me smile today was my dear boyfriend telling me that we'll be married with kids within the next three years. The thing that makes me sad is I can never forget what a bad person I used to be. I am so sad tonight. I shouldn't be. He's coming up early this week. We'll have a Sunday together. Sometimes I feel so small. Is it greedy to want a day where we don't worry about our business and money and we just enjoy each others company without any smartass comments or references of bad things past or comparisons of me to ex wives? I just want to be normal and peaceful. Quiet. I know he wants the same. It seems like everything around me is chaotic. It would be nice to be able to walk downtown without being panhandled. It would at least spare me from the embarrassment of him so condescendingly giving that look and saying, "A friend of yours?" or the classic, "That's the kind of guy you used to date." And I just want to hit him sometimes and say, "I'm your best fucking friend in the world! I'm always there when you need me and even when you don't. I've built my life around you. Why do you have to pick at my wounds?"

Strippers are not good people. I'm glad I'm not one of them anymore. Two years in the business and I met only one girl who was truely kindhearted. I think I was lucky to find that many.

There's a stripper mutiny at work. The nasty bartender has been stirring discontent. It doesn't help that I'm moving to a position of power. They hate me because I'm the youngest girl there and I've been there for less than half a year. The bartender hates that I have more power than her without a college degree. Screw it. I've put more than enough time in, I have plenty more life experience than most anyone I know. And honestly, looking at everything that's happened the last two years, there are things I've gotten myself out of... some of which I put myself in and some out of my hands... That alone is enough to give me more pride than if I had my doctorate in some bs science. I am so done with being nothing. I told myself I would be running that fucking club and now I am. I am going to be a hell of a business-woman too.

What a birthday!

I really do understand why things are the way they are. I know my boyfriend hates it as much as I do and I cannot fault him for his soon to be ex's cuntish ways. Yesterday I didn't paint the prettiest picture of him or our situation. In reality, I wouldn't trade what we have for a million dollars. We have said before, half in jest and half seriously, as far as stripper boyfriends go, I've hit the jackpot. The days he's in Florida taking care of his businesses and visiting his daughter, my mind races. I get jealous so easily over nothing. The thing I hate is how his wife is having a boy. I'm jealous that I won't be able to give him his first son at least. I know it's silly, I might have all girls when we're married, but still. I feel like she's just taking time away from he and I. I know he doesn't care and wants to be done with her. He doesn't go with her to her checkup appointments, he only has eyes for me.

I just can't wait for him to be near me always, for this to just end. I want her to just have the baby so they can begin their proceedings and be as done with each other as they can be. I love him so dearly that it hurts my heart to be away from him even for an hour.

This whole thing with my boyfriend's wife isn't easy. I love him to death and I'm gonna stick it through, but sometimes it just stinks. I get very upset thinking about his former life, about why he can't get divorced quite yet. I know I'm the one he loves. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a mistress, that I'm interrupting his perfectly happy homelife. I know that's not true, but I don't like how he and his wife decide to divorce and... Whoops, she's pregnant with his kid after their last go. He denies her purposefully doing it, but why won't she just end it if she knows it's over? Why am I expected to terminate if I become pregnant but the woman he wants to leave gets to have his baby? It's just a yucky situation and it'll be over soon. It's silly to cry over it. I just have this awful, burning hatred for his wife. Even if she doesn't deserve it, I don't like her.

After Joey and I came home from Vegas I came clean and told him how awful I was at the beginning of our relationship. I realized how good he has been to me from day one and the changes he wanted me to make were not because he wanted to make me into something that I'm not, but rather help me to grow into the woman that I was sceptical I could ever be.

Yes, I let myself be hardened by the bad choices I made and was continuing to make because of my lack of self love and respect. I was thoughtless and cruel to him when he only wanted to do good by me. He is the greatest man I have ever known. He and I no longer have secrets. He's seen parts of me that I've never shown anyone and knows every secret I've hidden inside. Every day I wake up happy knowing that he's there in the world. As far as I'm concerned, he's my husband. My greatest ally in the world.

I no longer drink or use drugs. I am retiring from dancing to manage the club. It's a tough transition, but I think I'm doing an okay job.

My life is moving in the right direction. In a few months we will be buying our first house together and he'll propose to me. I know it all sounds crazy, but he saw who I was buried beneath all the bullshit I surrounded myself with. He's consistent. He loves me for who I am, even though I made mistakes, even though I'm not perfect, even though I was a careless wreck. He is the most intelligent, sexy and thoughtful person I know. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life in his arms.

Miss Inga is the cutest guinea pig and I think she's going to have her babies today! Or, I hope.

I just got back from Charleston last night and I'm so tired. I think I hear the people I let stay in my room while I was gone having sex on my bed. Neat. They know I'm here, Inga was being very loud this morning. That's a big ol' wtf. Anyway, I left most of my pets here - except for Inga. I had a weird bug for most of the trip and haven't gotten much sleep in the last two days. I guess I got in at about five in the morning, but couldn't get to sleep until six or so. Then Inga kept screaming until I came down here on the floor to keep her company. That worried me some, I thought she might be in pain. But no, she just missed me. :o) I can't be upset by that I guess.

So I've been lying on the floor for about an hour watching my guinea pig eat and play with her toys and looking up videos of guinea pig labor on YouTube. I've decided the only reason I'm a stripper is because if I weren't I'd probably only ever be able to relate to 90-year-old women. Nobody believes me when I tell them my age. My animals are literally my best friends in Asheville. For fun I listen to music with them while playing mahjong. Or I look up pictures of other cute animals. I bought my guinea pigs so i could take them to guinea pig shows. I'm saving up so I can take a quilting class. My boyfriend is more than twice my age. It's like... One day I woke up and I was sixty.

And that's that.

Inga's nodding off. What a sweetie. I really hope she delivers her babies safely (and I can find good homes for the piglets (hint)).